Learning Infant Communication 0-3 months

"Babies are such a nice way to start people."  ~ Don Herrold

The first three months of an infant's life are all about learning to feel comfortable, safe, and secure in the world. By responding to their signals and providing lots of love and comfort, we help them form trusting bonds with the people who surround them. How are you helping your baby learn to feel safe and secure?

A Baby's Point of View:
I am getting to know you and the other people who love and care for me.
• I can recognize your faces, voices, and smells.
• I respond to your smile and touch with pleasure.

What You Can Do:
•Talk and sing to your baby. This makes him feel loved and helps him bond with you.
•Hold your baby! Enjoy some skin-to-skin cuddle time with your little one, practice babywearing, share in daily activities (such as bath time).  Allow your baby to be part of the everyday rhythm of life.
•Make eye contact with your baby.
•Touch is magic!  Infant massage is a wonderful bonding tool for you and your infant.

A Baby's Point of View:
I am learning how to “tell” you what I need.
• I can use my sounds, facial expressions, and body movements to tell you how I’m feeling—
sleepy, hungry, happy, or uncomfortable.
• I can show you when I want to play and when I need a break.

What You Can Do:
•Watch your baby to learn her signals.
•Babies can "speak" to us in a variety of different ways.  Does she have different cries when she is hungry, tired, overwhelmed, etc? Does she rub her eyes or look away from you when she is tired?
•Understand that an infant's emotions are fleeting!  What a gift they have to live in the present moment and change their feelings.  Pleasant distractions such as songs, toys and  laughing can buy you time to gather diaper supplies or set up your nursing station.  Don't panic when your baby cries.  The more you stay calm and present, the more your baby will trust that her needs will be met.
•Respond to your baby’s signals. When her eyes are bright and she is awake and alert, it is time to play.  Follow your baby's cues throughout the day, instead of trying to force her to meet a grown-up schedule (she just doesn't understand!).  Relax and enjoy this time of spontaneous interactions and unstructured living.  I promise you it will not last forever!
•Slow things down when she cries, turns away, or arches her back.  Dim lights, soft music, hushing, rocking and other movements can help create a soothing atmosphere.

A Baby's Point of View:
I am beginning to use my body to make things happen.
• I can grip your finger or a toy you put in my hand.
• When I am hungry, I might move my head toward my mother’s breast while rooting and sucking.

What You Can Do:
•Give your baby something to reach for and hold onto—a finger or toy. Let him touch objects with different textures and shapes.
•Go for walks throughout the house and point out different objects and views to your infant.  Look out the window together, touch soft pillows and other objects, admire colorful artwork.  Help your baby understand her home as her safe environment full of wonder and surprises!
•Hold a toy within your child’s reach so he can swat it with his hands or feet.
•Watch to see how your baby is “discovering” his body. Does he look at his hands, suck on his feet, or try to roll?

A Baby's Point of View:
We are becoming closer and closer every day.
• I am learning to trust that you will read and respond to my signals and help me grow in the world.
• I rely on you to comfort me, care for me and keep me safe. This helps me learn to comfort myself.

What You Can Do:
•Comfort your baby whenever she cries!
•You CAN NOT spoil a baby. Soothing actions makes her feel safe, secure, and loved.  Even as adults, we appreciate love and affection when we feel ungrounded.  Just as a hug from a trusted friend can mean the world to us in our times of need, so it is true for infants as well.  Babies need constant touch, comfort and love.  There is no other way around it.
•You can help your baby begin to calm herself by guiding her fingers to her mouth, giving her a pacifier, or offering her a blanket or soft object that is special to her.
•Sometimes no matter how we try to sooth our baby, they may remain inconsolable.  This may be an emotional release and it is important for her to know that you are still there with her.  Keep a calming and constant presence.

SPOTLIGHT:  Crying Like a Baby

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

• Crying, as hard as it is to hear, is a normal way babies communicate hunger, discomfort, distress, or a need for your attention.  Crying also serves other important needs such as tension relief and growth.

• Most newborns cry for an average of three hours per day and reach a crying peak at about 6 weeks. Then their crying starts to decrease. By 3 months they typically cry for about an hour a day.

• Being with a crying baby who is hard to soothe can be exhausting, stressful, and frustrating. But keep in mind that just by being there— holding and comforting your baby—you are teaching him that he is not alone and that you will stick by him through thick and thin.

•Babies cry because they are hungry, tired, uncomfortable or irritated.  If you have tried all the obvious comfort measures (feeding, diaper change, etc), check to make sure your infant is not too hot/too cold, pinched (in a strap from carseat, etc), stressed or overstimulated, lonely or bored.  Babies will also pick up on tension and friction within a household.  Although this can be a stressful time for the whole family, it is important to keep an atmosphere of calm.  This will benefit everyone, not just baby!

• While all babies cry, some babies cry much more than others. This is known as colic and it’s defined as crying that:
begins and ends for no obvious reason
 lasts at least 3 hours a day
happens at least 3 days a week
continues for 3 weeks to 3 months

What You Can Do:
•Talk with your health care provider. Excessive crying may have a medical cause—a food sensitivity, heartburn, or other physical condition.

•Holding your baby more! Some babies cry less when they are held more.  Invest in a good baby carrier (or several).  Allow your baby to be part of the normal rhythm of household life.

•Wrap your baby snugly in a blanket—called “swaddling”—and rock her gently.  Practice different swaddle techniques and styles and find what works best for you and your baby.

•Use soothing sounds. Talk or sing softly to your baby. Try running a fan or humidifier in your baby’s room. Sometimes babies are soothed by this background noise.

•Reduce stimulation—lights, sights, sounds, and textures— for your baby. Sometimes less stimulation leads to  less crying for babies with colic.

• Remember your baby is an individual person with her own needs and wants.  Listen to your baby's cues and respond accordingly.  Don't try to make her be what you want her to be, and don't expect this baby to be the same as older children.  Baby care is a fine art and all babies are different!

•Reach out for support. Hire a postpartum doula or baby nurse!  They are experts in baby care and can help you navigate this precious, yet overwhelming time.  Extended families and friends may be able to step in to give you a needed break as well. Everyone needs support, and nobody needs it more than the parents of a crying baby.  Don't be afraid to ask for help.

•Stay calm. When you’re calm, it helps your baby calm down.  If you find yourself feeling frustrated, put your baby on his back in a safe place—like the crib—and take a short break. Crying won’t hurt your baby, and taking a break will let you soothe another very important person…you!

•Don’t give up. Soothing your baby is a trial-and-error process. If one strategy doesn’t work, try another. If all else fails, take a drive in the car.

•Hang in there, and remember that the crying will get better.  This time will not last forever.

What are some things you can do to soothe yourself after a tough day?  

•Remember to take care of yourself! Did you know babies whose mothers reported high stress cried and fussed more than babies whose mothers reported little stress?

•Even very young babies pick up on how their loved ones are feeling. When you are calm and relaxed, your baby is more likely to feel calm.

•When you are feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, your baby is more likely to feel tense. So in order to take good care of your baby, it’s really important that you take good care of yourself.

•Ask your doula, trusted friends and family members for help when you need a break!

•Make time to do things that make you feel good.  Just taking the time to bathe, brush your teeth and change your clothes can give you a whole new perspective on the day!  Remember to eat healthy foods and stay hydrated.  Take a walk with your baby and visit with friends.

•Be sure to talk to a trusted health care provider if you are feeling down,depressed, or overwhelmed.

Maternity leave in America

Today I want to address the dire state of maternity leave in America.  It just plain sucks.  Mamas should not have to leave their babies at 6 weeks or 8 weeks (if they are lucky enough to have a full time job that provides them that).  It is, in my opinion an epidemic of sorts.  A cruel and barbaric system that creates detatched children who grow into hurting adults.

Don't get me wrong here.  I will never judge a woman who goes back to work because I know, we all gotta pay the bills.  Its never easy.  Not for most of us.  And I give props to all the exhausted women out there who find a way to make it work.  All the women who love their babies hard on the in between times and who help these children grow.  I'm not judging you.

But as a society, I feel we are dangerously balanced on a foundation of seperation.  If you want to create a better world, a more peaceful world, a more balanced world ... start fighting for maternity leave.  Start protesting that.  Get angry.  Write your congressman.

Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm not but I tell you this ... there would probably be a lot less people in the world who would feel compelled to do crappy things if they all got a little more mama love.  I think, on a very basic level, so many of the problems we face as a nation would be diminished if we truly cared for mamas and babies.  And I don't mean just throwing her a fancy baby shower.  I mean real, true honest to god SUPPORT.

This whole business of making people - its freaking hard.  I'm not gonna lie.  Its work.  It drains you.  And its made a thousand times worse by a society that does not value the benefits of mother-infant connection.  That fails to nurture this important time as deeply human and necessary.  So we end up with adults who spend their entire lives longing for SOMETHING ... something they can't quite put their finger on but they desperately know they need.  SOMETHING unattainable.  SOMETHING to fill them up.  SOMETHING that they'll never find because its already long gone.  MAMA LOVE.

I'm not saying that you can't give your child enough mama love if you go back to work.  Please don't get me wrong.  I have seen many women pull it off.  Amazing and strong women with pure lovely fairy children.  Its not impossible.  But I don't know why our culture need to make it so hard to accomplish it.  I don't know why its not NORMAL.  That's all I'm saying.

The Birth of a Belly Cast

on new mama brain chemistry

Today I got into a conversation about brain chemistry, hormones and how they shape our personality and reactions.  This conversation was not at all about birth or parenting, but it got me to thinking about how these things DO affected us profoundly as we grow our families.  Whether we like it or not, we are still animals driven by instinct and at the mercy of biology.  Sure, as a species we continually strive to rise above our roots, but can they be dissolved?  I don't think so.  And frankly, I'm not sure why anyone would want to.

OXYTOCIN was the word of the day, and most people know it as the "bonding" hormone but it is also responsible for a whole list of other functions and reactions including nurturing, childbirth, lactating, maternal instinct, wound healing, inflammation regulation, generosity, jealousy, empathy, anxiety and fear.  This chemical, and the frothy brain slurry that is created when it mixes with all our other hormones, plays a big role in how we feel and react to various situations.

It brought my mind to another conversation I had recently about "mama fears and anxiety".  We all have them.  We know they are sometimes irrational.  No matter how much we fight them they creep in during our weakest moments unexpectedly.  You fear your going to hurt your child.  You are afraid they are going to die.  You imagine all the ways its possible.  One wise woman said she thinks our minds create the worst possible scenarios as a coping strategy.  I believe that to be true, but I also think it has a lot to do with oxytocin.  This chemical is being produced at astronomical levels during our postpartum period to facilitate bonding and breastfeeding.  But when you recognize the fact that it also regulates our fears and anxieties, its no wonder mamas sometimes feel like basket cases.  Its natural.  Its biology.  Its ok.  And I promise you, it will pass.

When one of my son's was born, I lived in fear for a solid 12 months.  I had this idea that as long as I could keep him alive for a year, he would live a long and healthy life.  BUT, in my mind we were on a battlefield until his birthday arrived.  I felt this overwhelming sense of imminent danger all the time.  Doom.  Despair.  I never wanted to let him go.  I held him tight.  I breathed through the moments when I let someone else hold him.  It was all I could do not to freak out.  My husband was the only other person in the world remotely capable of keeping him safe.  He knew my fears, and he believed me.  He trusted my instincts.  It seems irrational in retrospect but at the time it was the most real thing I experienced.  It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up, I dreamed it, I felt it in my soul.  And I had to keep it all a secret.  The moment I shared even a glimpse of my struggles with most people, they dismissed me.  The belittled me.  They implied I was severely flawed.  

Was I crazy?  Was it post partum depression?  Was I just another over protective mother?  I don't think so.  It  was real, because my body was creating and overabundance of oxytocin to grow this child, but it also fuels those fears and anxieties.  My body was doing it for reasons I may never fully understand.  I believe our instincts prove more intelligent than we can even imagine.  This is my son who was born during a hurricane.  This is my son who almost drown.  This is my son who has visited the ER more than the other 2 kids combined.  Maybe my instincts weren't so far off after all.  

My point is, if you know a new mama, listen to her fears and don't belittle her.  Don't treat her like a crazy person.  She's probably not.  She is very much still part animal, living in a human world, set on the task of protecting her young.  Its primal and its not always explainable in human terms.  Its biology.  Its evolution.  Its normal and the most natural thing there is.

Upcoming Events

Too Much technology

So, I spent a big chunk of my time today creating all the different social media accounts for Harmony at Home.  I do have a very deep desire to have as many different avenues to share our stories and love with the world ... I think its important that people know about these things, think about them, understand them and I want to help bring them to a place of "normal".  I'm talking about breastfeeding, homebirth, babywearing, and just good 'ol LOVE.

However, I'm feeling overwhelmed and tired by it all.  I wish people would spend more time with each other, talking, laughing, smiling.  As a business owner I understand that its just not the state of the world today, but as a person its hard for me to grasp.  I have no idea how we'll use all these social media outlets.  I can see benefits to each one.  But they are here now.  And I hope it makes it easier for people to reach out to us, ask for support and discuss the issues that are part of the journey to parenthood.

In that spirit, I'll leave you with a video from our Infant Massage class.  We love mamas.  We love families.  And I hope I can help every mama feel loved and cherished - like its mother's day all the time.

Warm regards, Joy