Today I got into a conversation about brain chemistry, hormones and how they shape our personality and reactions. This conversation was not at all about birth or parenting, but it got me to thinking about how these things DO affected us profoundly as we grow our families. Whether we like it or not, we are still animals driven by instinct and at the mercy of biology. Sure, as a species we continually strive to rise above our roots, but can they be dissolved? I don't think so. And frankly, I'm not sure why anyone would want to.
OXYTOCIN was the word of the day, and most people know it as the "bonding" hormone but it is also responsible for a whole list of other functions and reactions including nurturing, childbirth, lactating, maternal instinct, wound healing, inflammation regulation, generosity, jealousy, empathy, anxiety and fear. This chemical, and the frothy brain slurry that is created when it mixes with all our other hormones, plays a big role in how we feel and react to various situations.
It brought my mind to another conversation I had recently about "mama fears and anxiety". We all have them. We know they are sometimes irrational. No matter how much we fight them they creep in during our weakest moments unexpectedly. You fear your going to hurt your child. You are afraid they are going to die. You imagine all the ways its possible. One wise woman said she thinks our minds create the worst possible scenarios as a coping strategy. I believe that to be true, but I also think it has a lot to do with oxytocin. This chemical is being produced at astronomical levels during our postpartum period to facilitate bonding and breastfeeding. But when you recognize the fact that it also regulates our fears and anxieties, its no wonder mamas sometimes feel like basket cases. Its natural. Its biology. Its ok. And I promise you, it will pass.
When one of my son's was born, I lived in fear for a solid 12 months. I had this idea that as long as I could keep him alive for a year, he would live a long and healthy life. BUT, in my mind we were on a battlefield until his birthday arrived. I felt this overwhelming sense of imminent danger all the time. Doom. Despair. I never wanted to let him go. I held him tight. I breathed through the moments when I let someone else hold him. It was all I could do not to freak out. My husband was the only other person in the world remotely capable of keeping him safe. He knew my fears, and he believed me. He trusted my instincts. It seems irrational in retrospect but at the time it was the most real thing I experienced. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up, I dreamed it, I felt it in my soul. And I had to keep it all a secret. The moment I shared even a glimpse of my struggles with most people, they dismissed me. The belittled me. They implied I was severely flawed.
Was I crazy? Was it post partum depression? Was I just another over protective mother? I don't think so. It was real, because my body was creating and overabundance of oxytocin to grow this child, but it also fuels those fears and anxieties. My body was doing it for reasons I may never fully understand. I believe our instincts prove more intelligent than we can even imagine. This is my son who was born during a hurricane. This is my son who almost drown. This is my son who has visited the ER more than the other 2 kids combined. Maybe my instincts weren't so far off after all.
My point is, if you know a new mama, listen to her fears and don't belittle her. Don't treat her like a crazy person. She's probably not. She is very much still part animal, living in a human world, set on the task of protecting her young. Its primal and its not always explainable in human terms. Its biology. Its evolution. Its normal and the most natural thing there is.
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